I like to spend much time alone, but there is the spark of joy that seems to only come from sharing times of rollicking conversation and fun with others, and it is something that I long for far more often than I ever manage to experience it. I was always on the outside as a child and young adult. The other girls thought me strange, and when showing my natural pragmatism, I was occasionally accused of being callous and uncaring. I built my walls higher and searched for connections that would give me the safety I craved in relationships.
Of course, relationships are never 100% safe. You don't control the other person. You can't ever know the other person completely either. I struggle for it though. I demand intimacy from those who try to befriend me. If they don't communicate enough, I back off, make myself invisible (I am good at that), leave them at the wayside. I don't trust easily. They could leave me at any moment. I want to know who they are so that I can feel close to them and not have to worry that at any moment they might declare that they never really loved me, that it was all just an illusion of my own creating.
I also have problems with any sort of difficulty within a friendship. I came to realize a few years ago that I think friendships are suppose to be perfect. Friends should never have disagreements. They should never share opposing views. They should certainly never argue. I thought an argument meant the end. I know where this comes from. My ex-husband and I didn't argue. One day, he just said he had never loved me, and loved someone else, and that was that. He wasn't open to any sort of reconciliation. When I fussed, he pretended, but he never really tried.
Now I have been told by friends, that a disagreement doesn't mean it is over. Wow! My gut instinct is to still think it is, to feel abandoned, to lose hope. I expect not only to know the other person so completely I can predict their every move, but also for them to be so perfectly in tune with me that they will never do anything to cause friction. I realize that my fears are limiting my connections, but they are very hard to let go of. It is so much easier to say that I don't need anyone else.
Of course, I don't want to go in the opposite direction either. Diana and I were talking just the other night, that in order to feel safe with another partner (we are polyamorous), we would have to feel that they were communicating well with us. We have both had past partners that just wouldn't talk, and then in the end, basically said that we should have known that they weren't happy and how to fix it. (And still even in the very end not exactly clarifying the situation.)
I don't know how to fix my intimacy issues, but I hope being aware of things that are issue for me will help me to moderate them or at least to communicate them to those I start to get closer. (I do tend to warn people right away about my need to know everything!)