I have a problem with stress. Sometimes when I experience a stressful event, my body overreacts. I get pain in my heart and my stomach. I get nauseated. I don't think. To put it more succinctly I can't think, my mind just shuts down. I feel really weird inside, like all of my various tissues are vibrating rapidly. Usually I just sit really still or lie down until it passes. I shut down. It isn't really a choice. It just happens.
Of course, I don't like it. It isn't exactly like a panic attack. It is very hard to explain. Today is actually the first time that I have tried to. I didn't use to have this problem. It crept up sometime while I was with Joe (my exhusband) like so many other things did. The best way I could describe it is that I am so scared that my body and mind just shut down so that I don't have to deal with it. It is like they are trying to keep me safe.
I think the reason that I analyzed this event so much today is because I wanted to be positive. My whole self was struggling to be positive, and yet, I wasn't being negative, and I could see that. My mind wouldn't let me think anything either positive or negative. It was frustrating to experience, but not bad necessarily.
Anyways, the end result was that I didn't make my walk today. I took two short walks, one about five minutes and one about ten, and that was it. I will take my walk tomorrow. I know the importance of never missing two days of habit forming in a row!