Friday, October 17, 2008

Day 17: Along the Road to Freedom

I mentioned yesterday in my progress report that I have been having some problems with my physical health lately. I have also been having some problems with my mental health. The physical and mental problems tend to get all mixed up together to the point where I don't know where one starts and the other begins. Sometimes I think that the physical problems cause the mental problems. If I am always in pain, then it makes sense that I will have problems with anxiety and depression. On the other hand, if I am anxious or depressed, it is only going to exacerberate any physical health issues that I have.

Despite these issues, I have been doing better overall than I have in a long time. What has been getting me through it? Positivity! Having a commitment to turn my thoughts around keeps me on the right path even when it isn't easy. I don't flounder in a place of uncertainty. I move along my chosen path even if I am not feeling quite as well as I would like.

This evening, I was talking to my partner about my needs right now, at this time in my life. I need to think, I need to learn, I need to spend quiet time by myself and with her, I need to walk outside, and I need to not have scheduled activities to cause anxiety or to distract me from what feels right and important. I need time and space to heal.

It would be easy to feel guilty about this need. It would be easy to feel angry that I am hurt like this. It would be easy to be sad about the lack of place in my life for all the time and space that I crave. I am choosing not to feel any of those things though because those feelings are not necessary. I am choosing to feel positivity that if I seek I shall find. Moving forward with positivity I will take what comes my way knowing that in the end all shall be OK.

My ultimate goal is freedom - freedom to be me but first freedom to remember me! I am positive that I am moving down the road to that place each and everyday.

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