Thursday, September 25, 2008

Today

Originally, I planned to write a post about gossip today. It is a post that I still want to write, but I have decided to take a break from my regularly scheduled programming to talk about today.

Today my girlfriend and I had to deal with some difficult issues. They were not issues between us but with the outside world. I am very proud of my girlfriend because she chose not to procrastinate on this issue, but to just handle it right away. (She really did all the dealing, but it affects me too.)

Afterwards though, I fell apart inside. I was trying very hard to not think negatively in any way, and I didn't really have any negative conscious thoughts, at least not right away, but the waves of emotional pain that rolled over me were difficult to dismiss. It is easier when I can see a negative thought pattern.

How did I handle it? Well first of all my body and mind and even soul started to shut down. That is the easiest way to get rid of overwhelming emotional pain, and I think it is OK for a little while, but eventually we all have to return to the real world. Tonight I had several obligations that I still needed to take care of so a complete shut down was not in the picture. I sat there bearing it and not quite succeeding, and I decided to talk. I IM'd my girlfriend with everything that was coming into my head. Because I had not been consciously thinking, the things I told her were coming from deep inside me, contradictory feelings of self-righteousness and guilt, fear of living and even more fear of dying. Everything that was in me came pouring out. She listened and validated my feelings, and that helped.

I still was hurting though. I finished up my required tasks as best as I could, and I engaged my daughters in banter to try to relieve my stress. That helped too so now I am calm and mostly better.

I did OK, but I have been trying to analyze the situation to see how I could have done better. First of all, even though I wasn't having conscious negative thoughts, I could have verbalized all the positives. The fact that I didn't, and that I later shared negative thoughts with my girlfriend, tells me that I was just repressing the negative. The fact is that it is very difficult to be openly positive when I feel pain, either physical or emotional. The truth is that it is possible. I have been squashing the negative pretty well when my problems are physical. I need to transfer that ability over to emotional problems too.

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