Sharing

Today I have been perusing the blog 37days. It is a wonderful place full of positivity, honest reflections, and well thought out philosophy based on living life to the fullest.

One entry in particular hit me though. This entry is about letting go of false perfectionism and embracing ourselves for the wonderful people that we are. I highly recommend that you all read it!

Conformity

I have been thinking a lot about conformity lately, how conformist humans really are! We drive similar cars in the same color families, we live in similar houses also in similar color families, we wear similar clothing...anyone falling outside the norm is labeled as odd or weird or even not all quite there.

My kids, JoAnn and Lia have a thing for Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie. They even have a role play where they act them out. Today they were watching an episode of Paris's reality tv show, My New BFF. We don't have a lot of TV reception out here in the middle of nowhere so they were watching an older episode on the computer. I overheard that people were being voted out based on their fashion choices!

How shallow is that! How could anyone judge a person by their clothes, choose a friend by their wardrobe? It just seems so wrong! The qualities I want in a friend have nothing to do with fashion. Now I do realize that there are some unwritten (and in a few cases written) rules governing our clothing choices. Maybe we don't want to deal with a friend who is stretching the rules whether written or unwritten. I think even this would be way down on the list of qualities I want in a friend.

Honesty? Yes!

Love? Yes!

Caring? Yes!

Fun? Yes!

Reliable? Yes!

Loyal? Yes!

Fashion sense? I think not!!!

Mindfulness and Dealing with Physical Pain

Last Saturday, Diana and I were out and about for most of the day. That is the kind of day when my body tends to ache the most. On long days with lots of car riding, visiting, sitting around, and time on my feet both standing still and walking, I deal with general muscle pain and fatigue from FMS, rib cage pain from costochondritis, weird pains in my stomach area from a hiatal hernia, and of course foot pain. That makes me sound pretty sick and miserable, but it really isn't like that at all! I actually consider myself pretty healthy. I don't tend to acknowledge pain and except for the ribcage pain which is really annoying most of the others I can continually plow through.

The hardest time for me is when I am sitting somewhere with nothing to distract me. That happened to me once on Saturday, and I was thinking I would have to excuse myself and go for a walk and stretch a bit to be OK, but then I decided to become mindful instead. I payed attention first to my body and then worked outside being in the moment with everything that was going on around me. A surprising thing happened. The pain went away. (The particular pain at the moment was the hiatal hernia. It has bothered me since high school when I am sitting still for a long time especially if I am wearing certain clothing and my stomach is empty.)

I have been trying this technique on a regular basis now. When I am dealing with physical pain, I become extra mindful of my body. This is the exact opposite of what I have done in the past. In the past, I have always tried to distract myself. I have found that by becoming mindful, I can always reduce my pain levels. This is a wonderful discovery.

I have since thought a lot about why this works. In my mind, if I am paying close attention to something that hurts, it should hurt worse. The simple truth is that when I am mindful I relax. Always. Relaxation is a result of mindfulness. Stress, anxiety, and tension are results of a lack of mindfulness. When you relax your body, usually you hurt less. Give it a try. If you suffer from a chronic pain disorder or if you are healing from an injury, give mindfulness a try, and you just might be happy with the results!

Kindness in a Crowd

I have been thinking a lot the last few months and moving towards becoming a kinder person. This is not because I have particularly been an unkind person in the past. It is because I see that having others be kind to me improves who I am, and me being kind to others improves who I am, so it is a win-win situation. Both the person on the receiving end of the kindness and on the giving end of the kindness benefit.

One way that it is easy to be kind is in a crowd. Unfortunately, when people are in crowds, they tend to be stressed in some way or another which makes it difficult to remember just how easy that kindness can be. Don't you feel great if your toddler is crying loudly at the store and a random stranger gives you a kind smile? Doesn't it feel good to be let ahead of someone in line when you are in a hurry or to be instantly forgiven with a grin and a "no problem" when you literally run into someone coming around the corner. How about if the tall guy at the concert lets you stand in front of him so you can see?

How can you be kind when you are probably stressed too? First of all, if you are feeling less than kind towards someone, change your story. That lady who barged in front of you when you were looking at the lettuce? Maybe she is legally blind and could hardly see you and needed to be extra close to the produce herself so that she could make her selection. Maybe she is in a hurry because she is late and her babysitter needs to get home to her own kids. Maybe she has her mind elsewhere because she just had a death in the family. In general, people are not out to get you! Give them the benefit of doubt, and smile their way. You would be surprised how many grouchy people will relax and smile back if you bless them with a big grin. This is also an excellent tool if you feel you have made a faux pas. If you bang carts in the grocery store, smile and say your sorry. If you think you jumped the line at the bank when the other guy really might have been there first, smile and say, "Oops, I didn't see you. You go right ahead."

Don't forget about treating your loved ones with kindness in a crowd too. I have seen mothers who are incredible nice to strangers, but who scream at their children simply for not acting in the narrow way that the mother deems correct. Again, change your story. First is your kid really doing something wrong? Maybe he or she is just being himself. Second is your kid hungry or thirsty or bored or tired? How can you remedy the situation? Remember, chances are he or she didn't have much of a choice about coming along, and even if he did, he probably can't decide when you will leave. Treat your partners and friends with kindness too. Remember that you can't control others, but you can keep a joyful attitude yourself and strive to share it with everyone you meet.

Trusting Others and Trusting Myself

Until I was a teen, I trusted myself. My parents did a good job of raising me in a way that allowed me to learn about myself and to feel safe in and with myself. I cannot necessarily say the same thing about school and my peers. When I was a teen, maybe at sixteen or so, I started not trusting myself anymore. It wasn't a huge thing to begin with. It was just little blips, little things that didn't add up, little things that I didn't understand that made me doubt myself. In college, it continued in an on and off way. Then, when I was married, my trust in myself plummetted to an all time low. I really don't know exactly how it worked, but the important part I suppose is that for a few years, I didn't feel any connection with myself, for in my mind connection and knowledge often equals trust. If you know someone, you can trust them. For trust doesn't mean that someone will be perfect, never hurt you, or fulfill every promise in the book. Trust means that you know that someone will act in a predictable manner that is true to their character.

It took a few years, but after my marriage ended (in my mind at least), I got myself back. I once again could trust myself. I was growing and learning of course, but the foundation of trust was there. What about trusting others?

Well, I have often thought that I am very trusting, but the truth is that I am not. I can be very open, but that is not the same thing. You see, when you equate knowledge with trust, it is very hard to trust anyone until you have a lot of knowledge about them. Luckily my intuition has increased as I have matured, and I have grown in my ability to see and know people with less interaction. It is the kind of puzzle that I am good at, putting together the pieces to figure out the whys and infer those things that make someone tick. I realize that people are much more complicated than that, but you would be surprised how a mix of intuition and logic can help you to know someone and ultimately to trust them to be who they are.

I think that a lot of people don't trust others because they do not think that they are trustworthy, and they think that others will make the same mistakes that they would. The truth is that they are right! We all make mistakes, ourselves and those who love us. If we want to trust and ultimately love others (and ourselves), we must accept that no one is perfect. We must accept that mistakes will be made. We must accept that sometimes not everyone is going to want the same thing, and if something is important to someone, they are going to act in their own best interests. This is the way that it should be! No one should want anyone to be miserable!

This social dance that we all weave is incredibly complicated and not at all as simple as many preach at us in early childhood and as we mature. "Do unto others as we would have them do unto us" is an incredibly complicated sentiment. So is "do no harm." "Share," Impossible for many in many situations!

I could go on for this is one topic that is near and dear to me for I am here on this earth to learn trust, and I still have a long way to go! But I think that is enough thoughts to share this evening.

Fruits and Vegetables

I enjoy eating fruits and vegetables. They taste great, there are so many wonderful varieties, and they usually leave me feeling good inside. Diana has diabetes, and eating a diet high in fruits and vegetables is one of the easiest ways for her to manage her blood glucose levels. In the fall of 2007, we decided to challenge ourselves to eat nine servings of fruits and vegetables a day. It went fairly well.

Then as so often happens, it seemed to get complicated, and we stopped making it a priority, and before we knew it, we were scraping by eating far fewer fruits and vegetables than we preferred. This month, we have challenged ourselves once again to eat nine servings of fruits and vegetables a day. So far, it has been going well. At the end of the month, we will evaluate how we feel and decide if we want this to be a permanent change or not.

Staying Honest without Being Critical

As many of you know, I have been working on being kind during my interactions with others.  It might seem simple to be kind on the surface, just don't do mean or rude things!  In reality, it is much more complicated than that.  One of the keys to being kind is knowing those whom one is interacting with.  What might be seen as kind by one individual might be perceived as rude by another.

One duality I think of a lot is being both honest and non-critical.   Now I know that many think that criticism can be kind.  Tell someone everything that is wrong with them (in your opinion), and then they will become a better person, right?  Well that has not been my experience.  Most people don't really change because of criticism.  Criticism just makes people resentful and defensive.   

So what do you do when someone really does something that not just annoys you, but that you believe is really detrimental to their life.  How can you not point it out?  How can you not try to save them from themselves?  Perhaps they are always negative.  Perhaps they smoke.  Perhaps they don't treat their children respectfully.  

First, remember that you are not perfect and have problems too.  They probably look at you and think that there are a host of things that they need to correct you on.  This thought should breed empathy.

Second, evaluate the relationship.  Is this person an acquaintance or even someone who may not like you?  Is this person someone you don't really like?  Perhaps the kindest thing you can do is to limit your interactions with the person.  If your choices don't mesh, and you are very different people, separation not criticism is probably the answer.

Next, learn the art of modeling and planting seeds.  If someone is always negative, model positivity.  If someone talks down their children, talk as equals with your own children (and with theirs too!)  Talk about the good things in your life that have been the results of your choices.  Are you happier?  Is your family life for the most part good?  Do your kids make good choices?  Are you healthy?  If they complain, you can advise but watch for their response and temper your comments appropriatelly.

What if they ask for advice?  Well all of us know people who do not really mean it when they ask for advice on something.  They really just want to someone to listen.  Know your audience and provide advice only to the extent that they want to take it.  Those who are close to you may want more extensive help than those on the fringes of your life.

Is it dishonest to not point out the errors of others' ways?  To not provide as much help and advice as possible when requested?  No!  You can remain honest and true to yourself while keeping a nonjudgmental attitude.  Know when to leave.  Know when to remain silent.  Cultivate the ability to change the subject and to know when and how to plant seeds of truth, leaving them to germinate when the time is right.

Forget criticism as a kindness.  Remember how you have felt when you have been criticized, and when you can't be honest, be quiet.  Listen.  You might learn something!  I have always believed that if you can't say something nice, you shouldn't say anything at all!

An Aside

Our family is participating in a 5km Aids Walk/Run at Beaver Lake Nature Center here in Central New York.  It is to benefit Aids Community Resources, and you can read more about it and sponsor us if you choose here.